


Habits

by Vaderfanboi



Series: Bereaved [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Drugs, F/M, Grieving, Reader pulls a Lady Bird, Smut, Steve is a sub, i cried writing this but i was also pmsing, you don't die fyi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 11:47:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18164801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vaderfanboi/pseuds/Vaderfanboi
Summary: After the snappening at Wakanda, you are left a widow and Bucky left you nothing, not even a body. Steve hates the way you grieve.





	Habits

**Author's Note:**

> okay obviously after the snap. just to warn you, the reader does drugs and jumps out a car but doesn't die. your powers are regeneration. uhhhhh what else? it's 3 am and i hope you like my contribution to this shitshow. Oh and its based on the song Habits by Tove Lo bc that's my anthem

Bucky certainly wasn't the first person you ever fell in love with, but he may have been the last one. You went months wearing his ring on your finger before the shock finally left your system and the pain set in. In a fit of rage and confusion, you stripped your home of anything that even reminded you of your late fiance. You even decided to move into the Avengers compound to avoid the memory all together. 

The one issue you had with your new living arrangements was the scrutiny you faced from Steve. No one else bothered judging you, but you always felt his judgemental glare when you came home early in the morning. You fucking hated that feeling. You knew Bucky was Steve's best friend and you never had any conflicts before his death, but you could tell Steve lost all respect for you. He thought you were insensitive to Bucky for moving on so quickly; he didn't realize that you hadn't moved on in the slightest.

Because of this situation, you didn't bother saying anything to him on your way out of the compound. You were dressed in a cocktail dress that you knew would be disapproved of, the skirt riding up your thighs as you sat in the driver's seat of a car from the garage. You were so preoccupied, you didn't notice another pulling from the driveway behind you.

Once you got to the closest club which was forty-five minutes away, you immediately ordered a drink. Even clubs had a somber air about them, now. It felt like it was at half capacity, and the people it occupied all held the same devastation of loss in their hearts. It was pathetic. Once you downed your third shot, you tracked down a guy you saw regularly at this club. You didn't use him for sex, though, because that wasn't the kinda therapy you needed from him”

“Hey, Judah, got anything new?” You asked him, sitting at the table he occupied.

Judah played at his mustache “I got something you've tried before. It's regular but reliable” he says, trying not to sound disappointing. His drug business suffered greatly after the incident. He lost all his sources in one snap. You tried to feel bad for him.

“I'll take it” you said without hesitation. 

He hands a small bag to you, openly. The club owners didn't bother throwing Judah out at this point. He's basically bringing in their entire customer base. You slide him a meager roll of bills and head to the bathroom.

It's coke, you gather. Impure and unclean but it's yayo and much better than sobriety. You finish the bag by yourself, rubbing what's left on the bag on your gums, not bothering to wipe your nose. You were going to make a scene. 

There was a handsome young man at the bar, downing whiskey sours like a fiend. You decided he was going to have to work tonight. You tapped on his shoulder and engaged in a wordy conversation because coke does that to you. You're talking about fermentation in the body and how fascinating mutation was and how fun it would be to dance but he says he doesn't dance so you ask him if he'll settle for a fuck and he says yes but he can't go home because his dead wife's pictures are there and you say it's okay and you'll do him in the bathroom but you need to do it in the guys room because the girls one has a line which is so crazy because half the world is dead and there's still a line in the girl's bathroom. Jumping to your feet, you try to take this stranger's hand but he won't get up, he's terrified.

“(Y/N), that's enough” you hear Steve say behind you.

Suddenly, you're at a loss for words. Turning around, you see him with his arms crossed, disapproving. “No, it's not. I can't get enough” you say, without passion. Wiping your nose, you turn back to your new friend who won't look you in the eyes. 

“We're leaving” Steve demanded, pulling you out of the club. “This is pathetic, (Y/N). He's been dead six months and you're fucking guys in public bathrooms?” 

“I'm in pain, Steve, I don't wanna feel it anymore!” You push him away from you, hating how he towered over you when he was angry. “I just wanna fill the hole he left” you pull your shoes off and walk barefoot back to your car.

Steve rolled his eyes at your attempt to get in the driver's seat and made you sit in the passenger's side. “This isn't healthy. What are you on?” He asked, pulling out of the parking lot. 

“Yayo. It'll be over in an hour and I'll go back to being miserable. Is that what you want? You might as well just kill me too so I won't be such a dead weight on the team. And do me a favor and cremate me so I can be just like Bucky. Let me ask you, if it were me dead and Bucky doing this, would you stop him? Or is it different because you actually liked him” You ranted, hysterically. The urge to talk was overwhelming.

Steve was becoming furious and drove dangerously fast. “You have no right talking about Bucky like that” he refused to look at you which only pissed you off.

“Oh I don't? Didn't you hear? I was his fucking wife, who were you?” you spit back at him.

“You weren't his wife yet” Steve said under his breath. He regretted saying it even before it came out, but it only proved that he never approved of you. He was always dreading the day you finally trapped his best friend in the bind of marriage.

That was enough. You opened the door and rolled out of the car going at eighty-five miles an hour. Before the impact, you felt a rush no drug could compare to. After the impact, you felt pain that didn't hold a light to what you felt in Wakanda. You half expected Steve to keep driving, but you could hear the car screech to a halt. Your leg was definitely broken but the rest of your body was already healing. Not even physical pain lasted. 

When Steve reached you, you saw tears running down his face, and he was sobbing like a child. You started crying, too. He tried to pick you up but you told him to just let you lie there. He didn't want you in the middle of the road so he picked you up and laid you on the grass next to the road. “I'm sorry, Steve. I just wanted it to stop” you choked out. He was setting your leg which was throbbing. 

“I shouldn't have said that. I'm so sorry, he loved you so much” Steve watched your leg heal itself. “I thought you died, I couldn't handle someone else dying” you didn't say anything but you propped yourself up on your elbows. “It's hard to remember you're indestructible” He said, still crying. 

“That's because I'm not” you sat up, fully. “Steve, I think there's something really wrong with me” you wiped the tears out of your eyes and stood up, offering a hand for Steve, which he took. 

The drive back to the compound was silent. Your high was gone, the energy that went into healing you burned off what was left of the drug. You went in the direction of your room but Steve stopped you. “(Y/N)... Those guys, they don't care about you. They just know you're hurting and they want to take advantage of that” he explained like you didn't already know.

“Everybody's hurting, Steve” you shrugged. Steve nodded. You didn't leave. “Please don't make me go to my room alone” you felt your throat closing and tears welling. 

Steve didn't answer for a long time but you still wouldn't walk away. You both just stood there. “I can't do that, (Y/N)” he finally answered, unconvinced by his own answer.

“Then don't. Just be with me. I can't go to sleep alone again, I just can't” 

Steve agreed, and he took off his pants while leaving on his tee shirt and boxers. Steve sat down on the bed and without much thought, you kissed him. Again, you were crying and Steve was tense but you kept kissing him. He pulled away but it was difficult for him. “This is a bad idea. You need real help” he argued, wiping your tears away.

“Please, just kiss me the way he would” you begged. “Please, you're such a good guy, just do this for me. It's all I want, I look for him in everyone I meet” you could barely get the last few words out. 

Steve saw how broken you were and could only notice the reflection of himself. He was so tired of the guilt and the pain, he was starting to understand why you were this way. Steve held your face in his hands the way he'd seen Bucky hold you a million times before and he kissed you back. You melted, instantly, placing yourself between his knees, resting your hands on his shoulders. He tasted foreign and his short hair felt different when you caressed his neck but for a split second, you felt Bucky. You felt him every time you were with someone else, picturing him kissing you, touching you, fucking you. It's the only reason you went out every night. A moment with him was worth the shame and guilt. 

Steve moaned and tensed again. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't be acting like this” he apologized. 

“It's okay. I think it's better this way, instead of with strangers. And I think he would’ve been okay with this” You felt Steve's shoulders which were firm in your hands. You stepped back a bit but Steve pulled you back.

He still felt guilt, but he also felt a bit of relief which he felt guilty for. “Promise me you'll see a therapist tomorrow” Steve demanded. You nodded and he sighed before pulling you into another kiss. This time, he kissed like himself, running his fingers through your hair and resting a hand on your waist. You kissed his jaw and moved to his neck, biting slightly behind his ear. His boxers tented a bit and you pushed him back on the bad until he lied down, allowing you to straddle him. You ground down on his groin and he moaned into your mouth. Steve removed his shirt, wiggling in a way that made you fall onto the bed at his side. You pulled off your dress and lied back down.

From this angle, Steve could prop himself over you, kissing your collarbones and chest. He admired your flushed breasts, and brushed his hands across them, stroking his thumbs over your hardened nipples. When he wrapped his lips around one nipple, your back arched and your groin pressed into his causing a lovely sense of friction. Steve moved his mouth downward, still until he reached your waistband.

“Is this what you want?” He asked, needing consent. When you responded positively, he removed your panties. Steve kissed at your hip bones and then moved lower to lick at your exposed cunt, savouring your taste. You rolled your hips and he suckled on your clit, making your nerves jolt. “So wrong”... Steve moaned into your dripping cunt. You didn’t argue and he didn’t stop until your knees shook and your nails were firmly inserted into Steve’s scalp. 

Steve moved up your body to kiss you but you stopped him from doing so “That’s too Bucky” You explained.  
Nodding, Steve leaned back a bit to give you space. “What should I do?” He asked, giving you control over the situation. This was a complete 180 from Bucky as he would almost never let you take charge. You were starting to realize how different Steve and Bucky really were.

“Uhm, lean back?” You asked, testing your boundaries. And without any hesitation, he did. “Okay, I’m gonna get on you now” You told Steve, mounting him. 

Steve chuckled at your trepidation. “You ever do this before?” He was being an asshole now. In response, you twisted his nipple and he jolted, nearly throwing you on the ground. You expected Steve to be angry or at least amused by your actions, but he reaction was completely unexpected. He was panting, eyes blown wide and full of ecstacy. “Do that again” He begged with his now deeper voice. 

“You like that?” You tease him, sticking your thumb in his mouth, silently demanding him to suck on it. After he complies, you place your wet thumb on his hardened nipple, causing him to shiver. When you pinched both of them, you actually heard Steve whine. “Stevie, you’ve been holding out on me” You said. Now, it was you leaning down to nibble at his chest, licking just around the sensitive peaks that he desperately wanted your attention to be focused on. You bit lightly on one and reached your hand down his body to rub at his covered dick. You palmed at his length which was proving formidable in your hand. Once Steve started rutting into your grip, you had to pull back. Steve whined out the most pathetic noise you had ever heard and blushed at how closely it resembled your own when Bucky would tease you in the very same fashion. “You weren’t gonna last much longer” You shrugged, finally tugging Steve’s boxer’s off and revealing his immense dick. It certainly was not like Bucky’s in the slightest (emphasis on slightest). Steve’s had less girth but made up for it in length. You didn’t know what to expect, but you were oddly surprised that Steve did not shave. 

Suddenly self-conscious, Steve sat up a bit. “Is this okay?” Steve asked, kinda hinting at his penis.

“Oh yeah, it’s wonderful. I just got used to Bucky’s I guess. But really you’ve got a lot to work with here” You stammered in your state of nervousness. Reaching to your nightstand, you pulled out a condom and rolled it onto Steve’s dick which no girl has ever done for him before. You positioned yourself over him and slowly inched yourself down, letting Steve line his dick up with your cunt. He fit...differently. You could only sheath about three quarters of him until you bottomed out, clenching tightly and hissing when he thrust up too far. 

“Shit, sorry you’re just really small” He scolded himself and tried being gentler. 

Shaking your head, you started rolling your hips to build a rhythm. “I don’t think I’m all that small, Steve” You start, “I think you’re just really big” You admit, giving Steve the confidence he needed to fuck you in earnest. 

Grabbing your hips, Steve guided you on his dick. “Yeah? How’s that big dick feel in that tight cunt?”

Steve’s dirty talking hit you like a brick. “So fucking good” You felt the familiar electricity building in your core. He kept saying the nastiest things to you, eventually slurring into your name repeated over and over again. You could tell he was close and so were you. Reaching down, you played with your clit, bringing your climax much closer. Looking at Steve’s face was probably what did it for you in the end. He was wrecked, the poor thing. His chest, littered in tiny bite marks, his face was red and sweaty, his eyes shut tightly. They only opened once you leaned down, sucking on his nipple again. Steve came with a moan that’d make a pornstar shiver. You were pretty impressed with your work after hearing that cry. 

Collapsing, you lied next to Steve who was groaning something about how you should go pee but you were too exhausted. 

“I’m sorry” Steve apologized, for what, you did not know. 

“Don’t be. Just don’t leave me” You said before falling asleep. And you kept sleeping until you were woken up by Steve who scheduled a therapist appointment for you. True to your word, you met with her. You had a lot on your mind, as of late.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry things got so dark, i know it isn't DC. i really have to pee bc i spent hours writing this nonstop. cool hope you liked it pls comment validation.


End file.
